I was always told my first year of teaching would be hard. I had no idea how hard it would be. It's been full of mistakes, insufficiency, and fear. I keep running back to Lord, begging him to help me to lean on him and trust him... but I am constantly giving into worry and fear.
Why I am so afraid? The worst I can do is fail. Nothing can separate me from God's love. And yet, I am finding that perhaps the way I perceive my value is not so securely attached to Jesus. I want to be perfect. I want to be blameless. I want to be respected. I want to know that I am valued by my co-workers and the parents of my students.
Every mistake, however small, sends me spiraling into a circle of worry in my brain. FATHER! Help me to stop it. I know that the only way I can be what I want to be is by putting my hope and trust in you. Then you will help me. I've got to stop trying to hold myself up and let you hold me up.
Help me to remember that while I try to become a better teacher, the most important thing I have to do is pray for my kids and show your love to them. Help me remember that while I have a great responsibility, my ability to step up to the challenge comes from you. Help me be overwhelmed by your love and let that love spill out of me.
O, Father! I am so weak. I am most certainly a broken jar of clay--even more than I had ever yet realized. Yet, you will use me for something beautiful.
The other day, I sat on my porch and wrote this:
Ice cream
On the porch
The last of the half gallon
Straight from the container
It's Cookies and Cream
Weariness can't be cured
By ice cream
Fear can't be assuaged
By oreos
And yet, in such a simple thing
God says
There exists good in life
Don't forget
In the midst of your fear
And guilt
In the middle of your inadequacy
While discouragement rages
Take a moment and look at the little things
There exists good in life
There are glimpses of beauty
There are marks of a better place
There is pain
There is sin
You are full of both
But God is good
And he gives good gifts
He gives good gifts only
Don't be fooled by ugly wrapping paper
