Wow

I was always told my first year of teaching would be hard. I had no idea how hard it would be. It's been full of mistakes, insufficiency, and fear. I keep running back to Lord, begging him to help me to lean on  him and trust him... but I am constantly giving into worry and fear.

Why I am so afraid? The worst I can do is fail. Nothing can separate me from God's love. And yet, I am finding that perhaps the way I perceive my value is not so securely attached to Jesus. I want to be perfect. I want to be blameless. I want to be respected. I want to know that I am valued by my co-workers and the parents of my students.

Every mistake, however small, sends me spiraling into a circle of worry in my brain. FATHER! Help me to stop it. I know that the only way I can be what I want to be is by putting my hope and trust in you. Then you will help me. I've got to stop trying to hold myself up and let you hold me up.

Help me to remember that while I try to become a better teacher, the most important thing I have to do is pray for my kids and show your love to them. Help me remember that while I have a great responsibility, my ability to step up to the challenge comes from you. Help me be overwhelmed by your love and let that love spill out of me.

O, Father! I am so weak. I am most certainly a broken jar of clay--even more than I had ever yet realized. Yet, you will use me for something beautiful.

The other day, I sat on my porch and wrote this:

Ice cream
On the porch
The last of the half gallon
Straight from the container
It's Cookies and Cream

Weariness can't be cured
By ice cream
Fear can't be assuaged
By oreos
And yet, in such a simple thing
God says
There exists good in life
Don't forget
In the midst of your fear
And guilt
In the middle of your inadequacy
While discouragement rages
Take a moment and look at the little things
There exists good in life
There are glimpses of beauty
There are marks of a better place
There is pain
There is sin
You are full of both
But God is good
And he gives good gifts
He gives good gifts only
Don't be fooled by ugly wrapping paper

Fighting My Flesh

Sometimes I get irked. So irked.

While many Christians are out in the thick of the world, being persecuted for their faith, living lives sold out to Jesus, I have enough trouble just fighting my flesh! I can barely get beyond the mess inside of me to move out into the world and affect change. When I start to reach out, to talk about Jesus, I get discouraged by how much more I want to know and how few relationships I can really handle.

I'm a mess. God, I know you use messes, and that you really like to use messes. I just don't see how.

Example 1: Made a Spanish-speaking Mormon friend. It was going great, and then all of the sudden my Spanish took a nose dive a few weeks in. Now, I'm scared to try talking because I mess up so much. Additionally, I don't know enough about the Mormon faith vs. Christianity to talk intelligently in English, much less Spanish. (That's on the to-do list, learning more.) Additionally, I feel like all my knowledge of how to prove different parts of my faith has vanished in to thin air. I want to get a seminary education overnight.

Example 2: Struck up a conversation with a lady at the pool. Got to talk with her for a long time and talk about God's work in my life. (This is like... conversation number four of a similar type with people from the apartment.) I was so excited to keep up a friendship and then talk more about the Gospel. Then I realized, this is hard work. I've already made more non-Christian friends than I know what to do with... and I need a Christian girl friend around to help hold me up. I can't handle this all. Who am I to think these people actually want to be friends with me?

But. Jesus lives. I can face this. I can know that God wins, no matter how discouraged I am about my selfishness and my inadequacy. God wins. I know that I can't take responsibility for saving the world, but I can let Jesus spill out all over in my conversation. I will tire, but God will strengthen.

Well. At least it's probably safe to say I've become more sanctified in the area of humility. :) Praise Jesus, I'm not alone!

Scrambled thoughts of a saved sinner, enjoy.

April

Context

Here's an old little something I wrote two years ago. I found it searching for a copy of my testimony to tweak for a job application. It struck chords in my heart again today, so I thought I'd share.

"You are weak, so weak"
The truth beats against me like an angry wave
"You are a failure, you are so dirty, you are broken"
More truth stings my face like a slap
But no truth should be spoken out of context

Weak, yes, but Strong in Him
Failure, yes, but He doesn't judge me by my success
Dirty, yes, but washed by His blood
Broken, yes, but He's holding me together
He is the context,
The constant, concrete context

I am because He is.
He rose so I could live.
Context.
It makes a world of difference; it pieces my life back together.

He is the context that all that I am is forever wrapped up in.
Everything makes so much more sense in Context.
In Context, broken glass is beautiful,
The shards of me reflecting His light
My Context.
They may not understand the Context, but they cannot take me out of my Context.
United with Christ has a deeper meaning.
Christ is my Context.

Livin' on a Prayer

Dear, dear friends,

It has been quite some time since I have written a blog. I've missed it. Honestly, it's therapeutic. It helps me process and organize my thoughts. Plus, I know that many of you take the time to read what I write; I love the support.

As I was musing over what to call my new blog (because, of course, one needs a new blog to go with a new life in a new place with a new husband), I decided that "Livin' on a Prayer" would be appropriate. My whole life, I will be living on a prayer. I need the companionship of God my Father through prayer. I need the support of the Spirit, my Guide and Comforter, through prayer. I crave the encouragement of Jesus, my High Priest who knows my weakness, in prayer.

A few years ago, or maybe only one year ago, a friend of mind wrote me a thoughtful note during a hard time. The main part of the note was a prayer from Valley of Vision that has deeply captured my heart's cry to the Lord on many occasions. I'd like to share it. It is called "Resting on God."


O GOD MOST HIGH, MOST GLORIOUS,, 
The thought of thine infinite serenity cheers me, 
For I am toiling and moiling, troubled and distressed, 
 but thou art for ever at perfect peace. 
Thy designs cause thee no fear or care of unfulfilment, 
 they stand fast as the eternal hills. 
Thy power knows no bond, 
 thy goodness no stint. 
Thou bringest order out of confusion, 
 and my defeats are thy victories: 
The Lord God omnipotent reigneth. 
I come to thee as a sinner with cares and sorrows, 
 to leave every concern entirely to thee, 
  every sin calling for Christ’s precious blood; 
Revive deep spirituality in my heart; 
Let me live near to the great shepherd, 
 hear his voice, know its tones, follow its calls. 
Keep me from deception by causing me to abide in the truth, 
 from harm by helping me to walk in the power of the Spirit. 
Give me intenser faith in the eternal verities, 
 burning into me by experience the things I know; 
Let me never be ashamed of the truth of the gospel,
 that I may bear its reproach, 
  vindicate it, 
  see Jesus as its essence, 
  know in it the power of the Spirit. 
Lord, help me, for I am often lukewarm and chill; 
 unbelief mars my confidence, 
 sin makes me forget thee. 
Let the weeds that grow in my soul be cut at their roots; 
Grant me to know that I truly live only when I live to thee, 
 that all else is trifling. 
Thy presence alone can make me holy, devout, strong and happy. 
Abide in me, gracious God.


Amen. And so ends my first post.