Fighting My Flesh

Sometimes I get irked. So irked.

While many Christians are out in the thick of the world, being persecuted for their faith, living lives sold out to Jesus, I have enough trouble just fighting my flesh! I can barely get beyond the mess inside of me to move out into the world and affect change. When I start to reach out, to talk about Jesus, I get discouraged by how much more I want to know and how few relationships I can really handle.

I'm a mess. God, I know you use messes, and that you really like to use messes. I just don't see how.

Example 1: Made a Spanish-speaking Mormon friend. It was going great, and then all of the sudden my Spanish took a nose dive a few weeks in. Now, I'm scared to try talking because I mess up so much. Additionally, I don't know enough about the Mormon faith vs. Christianity to talk intelligently in English, much less Spanish. (That's on the to-do list, learning more.) Additionally, I feel like all my knowledge of how to prove different parts of my faith has vanished in to thin air. I want to get a seminary education overnight.

Example 2: Struck up a conversation with a lady at the pool. Got to talk with her for a long time and talk about God's work in my life. (This is like... conversation number four of a similar type with people from the apartment.) I was so excited to keep up a friendship and then talk more about the Gospel. Then I realized, this is hard work. I've already made more non-Christian friends than I know what to do with... and I need a Christian girl friend around to help hold me up. I can't handle this all. Who am I to think these people actually want to be friends with me?

But. Jesus lives. I can face this. I can know that God wins, no matter how discouraged I am about my selfishness and my inadequacy. God wins. I know that I can't take responsibility for saving the world, but I can let Jesus spill out all over in my conversation. I will tire, but God will strengthen.

Well. At least it's probably safe to say I've become more sanctified in the area of humility. :) Praise Jesus, I'm not alone!

Scrambled thoughts of a saved sinner, enjoy.

April