I've realized that I am stuck on the same lesson as last year. While I am learning other things, it's still about my struggle believing that I was loved while I was yet a sinner. That transformational truth hasn't sunk its teeth into my heart deep enough yet. Here's an excerpt from an old blog that still rings true:
I've learned a lot this year about the darker places in myself that I have always swept into the corner. I'm not who I want to be, and I certainly can't handle things on my own. I desperately need Jesus. Always have, always will. I have always wanted to make myself into someone worthy of approval. While I may believe differently theologically, functionally I've been trying to accumulate my own righteousness for a long time. Essentially, I've been trying to convince everyone else (and myself) that I was good. God's tearing it all down, reminding me that a religion of self-improvement is oppositional to the message of the Gospel. The Gospel says, "You're a mess, but let ME fix YOU." It's not telling me, "You're a mess, let me get you started and then you fix you." Though it may be a humbling experience--this 101 in realizing the depths of my sin--it certainly is one that leads to greater freedom and peace, because you realize He loved you first. And He still loves you, before you get any "better."
ABBA, help me believe and surrender.
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